Accio Elephant

here’s some classic advice blog questions, and my answers to them. if anyone ever needs advice, please reference this:

i’m 11 and i just lost my virginity lololz i was super happy and he’s like super like hot but he’s like 19 so is that like illegal? and what if i’m pregnant? lolz

i’m going to answer this question with a couple of other questions. 1. how do you have a tumblr? 2. how do you even have internet access? 3. where did you meet this guy? 4. do you have parents? 5. do your parents know that they have a child? 6. have you even gotten your period yet? ever? 7. are you sure you know what your virginity is? 8. are you sure you even know what pregnancy is? 

but hey, congrats on learning how to navigate the internet, despite your clear lack of education.

ugh i’m 984 but i still haven’t been kissed what should i do?

get off tumblr and actually meet some real people. i don’t care how good your blog is, no one is going to kiss you over the internet. also, some extra advice: when meeting said real people, try not to mention the fact that you have a tumblr, that you’ve never been kissed, and that you asked about your lack of kissing on tumblr.

should i dump my boyfriend? i think he looked at another girl yesterday? i’m 9 years old and i don’t know what to do.

hey look cut the guy some slack, dora the explorer is a good looking gal, i don’t blame him for looking at her. if you really want to take action, level the playing field and start watching barney and friends. barney’s a bit overweight, but i hear he’s got a pretty huge dick.

should i dump my boyfriend? i think he looked at another girl yesterday? i’m 19 years old and i don’t know what to do.

first, congrats on getting a boyfriend despite your obvious lack of social skills! i would keep him around; if you’re asking for dating advice on tumblr you probably aren’t in the position to find too many better guys. also, define looking at another girl. chances are you’re being an overprotective little bitch because you’re afraid that he’s going to find your blog and leave you. relax, delete your blog, and lock that boy in your basement so that you never lose him.

i like this boy but i don’t think he likes me back but we hang out a lot and we’re like best friends. should i tell him how i feel?

i’m sorry, do you want to scare him off? chances are, he’s already considering ending this friendship because you spend too much time on tumblr, and you really don’t want to speed up the process. just keep crying yourself to sleep while hugging your pillow and slobbering on your teddy bears while imagining his face. that’s all you’ll ever get.

what does mbf mean?

it means that you’re a total fuck up and you must be fat.

what does gpoy mean?

gay pony orgy - you in?

if you want some valuable advice like this, feel free to send me an ask! i won’t help you at all, but i will make you feel terrible about yourself!